Let’s face it.  We’re all poor right now.  The government are financially fucking us and adding taxes to everything.  I don’t know about you, but C Smallz needs to a) boost her income through extra earnings and b) save money generally.

Now, I’m not just an incredibly pretty face and hilarious comic genius of our time.  I’m also here to help out.  Give advice.  Improve your lives.  That sort of thing.  In many respects I’m like Jesus.  Or Beyonce.  Therefore I provide for you, my definitive guide to beating this recession and improving your bank balance.

1. Supplement your income with a part time job

This can be tricky.  I don’t know about you – but between having hot baths, writing jokes, and eating honey straight from the jar – I don’t have a lot of spare time.  I was having a think about which part time jobs would work best and have decided that minimal work + maximum money = recession busting glee!  Therefore the part time jobs that I would best recommend to you guys to beat the recession are….

A:  Part time prostitute.  Think ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’.  This seems to be the perfect career!  You get to work from home, choose your own hours and have loads of sex!!  My only issue is that I am incredibly choosey.  It can take me an hour to decide what pair of shoes to wear of a night out – let alone who to let into my vagina.  I figured that this one isn’t for me in that case – but if you have no standards I would heartily recommend it as a way to supplement your current earnings.

B:  Human guinea pig.  Think ‘Outbreak’.  You basically get infected with the flu and then have scientists test new drugs on you to see whether they are harmful.  This job particularly appeals to me, as you get to lie in bed all day long AND get to gamble with your health (something that I have been doing for years through recreational drug use/jumping into shrubbery whilst drunk).

2.  Avoid pasty tax

I refuse to believe that I am the only person who has previously thought of this…but I have a solution to pasty tax (that’s the added VAT to warm foods).  Here it is: petition Greggs to sell all of their food cold BUT provide in-store microwaves that their customers can use at their discretion AFTER the monetary transaction has been completed.  It’s so simple!  As a particular fan of Greggs ‘bakery’, I have worked out that this would save me an average of £237.60 per year.  (I love pastry).

3. Give up smoking

Ha!  Just joking!  (In these tough times, the economy and the government need the tax that they so heftily place on cigarettes to pay for our schools and hospitals.  Ironic.)

4. Date someone rich

If all else fails, find someone rich to date.  Note my use of the word ‘date’.  This is not intended to be a serious relationship people!  This is basically an acceptable form of prostitution.  I’m not talking about dating someone who will pay for your chicken and peri-naise at the local Nando’s (although if anybody wants to to this for me I WILL accept date offers).  No.  In order to beat the recession, it is important to date someone who will pay for the necessaries and not just the treats.  Things like holidays, clothes and wine.  The basic day to day things that you need in order to live your life.  And remember boys and girls – the uglier your sugarmama/daddy is – the more grateful they are to be with you and the better the prizes!!

5. Sell your stuff

If all else fails, take to eBay or your local car boot sale to sell your stuff.  Note the use of the word ‘YOUR’ there – because I would never sell any of my stuff.  It’s too awesome.  Plus I am a slight hoarder and find it hard to let go.  Plus it makes me look poor and if there one thing I don’t want to do it’s LOOK poor, despite what my bank account may say.  It’s the same reason I refuse to get the bus.  In fact, when I’m so poor that I need to travel exclusively by bus, I WILL implement tip 1.A which is to become a prostitute.  I reckon a tit-wank could get me as far as Tooting.  Quids in.

I got recognised for an advert I’d done recently.  Now I know that I’ve truly made it as a Z-list celebrity.  Now all I need to do is either get famous, then destroy my own life through drug abuse or a sex scandal, then appear on celebrity big brother.  OR remain relatively unknown and then appear on celebrity big brother.

Here is the offending advert:

I’ve been dating a very nice but very sporty young man recently. So when he suggested that we go for 5km run I decided that there was no chance of this ridiculous scheme coming to fruition, and promptly decided to break my ankle by stepping into a pothole in the pavement. After a trip to A&E the lovely but incompetent doctor confirmed, to my delight, that I would not have to participate in any running for the next 6 weeks! In fact, I can barely participate in walking either…a bonus I never dared to hope for!

It takes a long time to crawl up the stairs, but in my descent I am treated to an epic wedgie. At first this bothered me, but then I realised that seeing as my granny pants are now also doubling up as thongs, I really am getting twice as much for my money! And bingo wings? Pah! What bingo wings? By the end of this 6 weeks I am going to be hencher than if Vinnie Jones fucked The Hulk and they produced a child with shoulders broader than my dads massive forehead. So yeah…I’m great! I’m fine! Pain? What pain? Oh thanks mum, I’ll take another codeine please!

(Did I mention that I’m feeling depressed??)

For all of you who enjoy listening to music on your new fangled media devices, I have good news…’Made In Penge’ is now available for digital download!

You can buy your copy on iTunes by searching for ‘Carly Smallman’, or by visiting Amazon.

This is perfect for all you cheap skates who don’t want to pay for postage

My album is now available!!

After months of hard work, my album is now available to buy!  It’s just £10 (no postage fee!), and I promise you that it’s really funny…according to my Mum.

You can buy a CD by visiting the ‘BUY MY MUSIC’ tab.  It will also be released shortly as a digital download that you will be able to purchase through iTunes, Amazon, and other leading digital distributors.  It will even be available on Spotify soon!

Big love to Dan Cooper, my wonderful producer.  If you’re a musician in the South East London area, I cannot recommend his studio highly enough.  You can visit his website at www.rodelsound.com.  He will cut you a sweet deal if you tell him I sent you

Love and laughter,

Carly xxx

So it’s happened.  I’ve finally decided to go on a fad diet.  And I know ‘it’s dangerous to go on fad diets’.  I’m an intelligent person.  However, my problem in terms of motivating myself to lose weight in a sensible way is this:

I like the way I look and get laid lots.

High self esteem is the true enemy of slimmers worldwide.  If you like yourself as much as I do, why would you want to improve upon perfection?  Conversely, when I was a size 24 I lost 3 stone.  Why?  Because I looked fucking shit and I knew it.  (And also I wasn’t getting laid…not even a little bit).  So I need a diet with rules and structure to ensure that I do it.  This is why I have settled on the Dukan Diet.  It’s hardcore and will possibly manifest as an eating disorder eventually, but it is the path I have chosen…

And therefore, I will mostly be using this blog post to complain about the diet.

I NEED SUGAR!!!!  Sweetener is bollocks.  It’s like going to a Kelly Rowland concert when you know that Beyonce is doing a gig just a few doors down.  I have been putting sweetener on everything.  Last night I mixed one part fromage frais to THREE PARTS SWEETENER!  This cannot be good for me – isn’t sweetener just chemicals after all?  Who knows.  I am eating a mystery substance in large quantities.  And trust me, I am not the sort of girl who will put something in her mouth unless she knows where it has been.

Also, you’re meant to make these oat bran pancakes every day.  Here is the one I made today:

It tastes disgusting.  Even with salmon and yogurt (yep..that’s salmon and yogurt).  But I eat it.  And why?  Because I am longing for the day when this conversation happens:

Attractive male friend: Carly, I don’t know how to say this…but me and your other friends are worried about you.

Me: Worried?  About me?  I can’t imagine why.

Attractive male friend: You’ve lost so much weight recently.  You can talk to us.  We care about you.  Is it the cancer?  Or the leukemia?  Or another horrible disease?

Me: No!  You sicko!  It’s not nice to assume people are dying!  If I did happen to be suffering from an awful degenerative illness, don’t you think I’d tell you about it in my own time!?!?

Attractive male friend: Well, are you depressed?  Is something on your mind?  You don’t seem your usual fat self.

Me: That’s because I’m not, attractive male friend.  Weight loss this drastic is simple to achieve!  Just restrict your entire diet to protein and oatbran, thus practically malnourishing yourself.  It’s easy to get thin when your food intake consists of nothing but boring meats and rank pancakes.  Eventually you just don’t want to eat because everything that passes your lips is minging.  It makes you feel sad, and the lack of sugar gives you a headache.  I hate life a little more every day becuase I miss food so much.

Attractive male friend: Wow!  Good for you!  You look amazing!

Me: Yes I know.  Now let’s have sex.

Attractive male friend: oh! In addition to being thin you’re also amazing at sex. It must be the slow release glucose making your stamina happen.  Isn’t it fortunate that your boobs remained the same size!

The End.

This summer I achieved one of my lifelong ambitions.  I played at Reading Festival.

The reason that this has always been an ambition of mine is because as a teenager I used to beg my parents for the £85 for a weekend ticket, and go with all of my friends to see my favourite bands.  We used to have such fun moshing around to the sounds of System of a Down and Green Day and (my personal favourite festival act) Mad Caddies.  The best part was that we had no grown up supervision.  No adults to tell us we had drank too much, or taken too big a hit on that bong, or hadn’t pegged down our tent.  We learned from our own mistakes.  It was like Lord of the Flies, but with more music and less tragedy.  We had a wonderful time.

Before this summer, I hadn’t been to the Reading Festival for 8 years.  Upon my return, I noticed that something had changed…

Everything had become more middle class!  The people, the music, the atmosphere, the lot (probably down to the fact that ticket prices were extortionate!).  The festival was not like it used to be.  People were drinking Pimms for crying out loud!  Where had the rock and roll spirit gone?  I didn’t even get heckled during my performance! 

I have therefore decided to compile a list of music festival rules for you all to follow next year.  They will help you have more fun and stop being so f*cking polite.

1. Drink all day:  ALL day.  Remember – you are not having fun unless you are drunk.  The worse you feel, the more fun you are having.  Puking?  You’re having a great time!  Unable to walk?  Rock on!!
2. Smoke:  Even if you don’t smoke.  It will help to build up your immunity to any other drugs that you’re not used to.  And remember, if you’re not feeling ill from drugs – you’re not having fun.
3. Start a bottle fight:  This was my main issue with Reading Festival this year.  Nobody started a bottle fight.  They were too polite….but the rules are simple, anybody can join in.  All you need to do is find a bottle and throw it at someone.  When a bottle has been thrown at you, pick it up and throw it at someone.  here is an example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BCUS1-z3k .  Remember to specifically target those bitches that sit on their boyfriend’s shoulders so that nobody behind them can see the band.
4. BITCHES; DON’T SIT ON YOUR BOYFRIEND’S SHOULDERS SO THAT NOBODY BEHIND YOU CAN SEE THE BAND!!!
5. Create an itinerary, then break it:  You must always seem super organised at a festival, but never ACTUALLY be organised.  The drunkenness will help with this.
6. Blag your way into the guest area: Best way to do this?  Dress like a slut and stand near the front whilst the band is on stage.  Their tour manager will come and select you, but only if you look easy enough.  Remember, the sluttier you look the more fun you are having.
7. Have sex: but use protection, becuase if the person you drunkenly shag has been having anywhere near as much fun as you, condoms are a good idea.  However, it’s important to remember that you want to regret the sex the next day (because it’s more fun), so sleep with someone you would never dream of sleeping with.  It’s important to expand your horizons.
8. Be a cheap skate: don’t pay for stuff.  Festivals are too expensive!!  You don’t need to eat.  At all.  That will consume money and slow down the drunkenness.  Just pay for what you need.  You don’t need festival merchandise.  You do need vodka.  It’s simple maths.

I hope you will find these useful for next year – and please do email me if you have any festival-related queries, or are concerned that you are not having enough fun.

As some of you who read this blog from time to time may remember, I have beef with some of the plot-holes in Back to the Future.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the Back to the Future trilogy, regardless of how many stupid mistakes have been made.  After my first Back to the Future related post, I suffered a torrent of replies.  Both people took issue with my comments, and reminded me that films are a form of escapism and are intended as just a bit of fun.  I thought I was the only person in the world who simply could not let Back to the Future’s lazy and obvious plot-holes lie…until this week when I received the following email:

Hi Carly,
Saw some of your comedy songs recently and they were so great. So great, that I thought I’d take a look at your blog only to find your upsets with Back to the Future. I too have wondered why George didn’t suspect his old friend from 1955 but I have never let it jade my love of the films. What does made me wince is the fact that Old Buzz from 2015 (Back to the Future 2) would have never been able to return the Delorean to the 2015 he knew (where at that time Doc and Marty were rescuing Jennifer from Marty’s future house) as he had already altered the past when he gave the almanac to his 1955 counter part. He would have ended up returning to a 2015 where he was more powerful, rich and corrupt (as Doc points out when Marty suggest they travel back to 2015 to stop Old Buzz stealing the almanac from them in the first place)……. The message is clear…. time travel causes trouble and strife.
Anyway going to go and enjoy the day now as I have geeked out far too much on this subject.
Love the songs and eager to hear more!
Andy

I love you ‘Andy’.  Whoever you are.

Today I received an email from my agent asking for my top ten comedy films of all time, to use as something for a magazine.  This list took me longer to compile than I thought it would, and so here it is for your perusal. 

1.) A Mighty Wind.

This is, in my opinion, the greatest comedy film there is.  Every single actor gives a blindingly funny performance, the songs are great, the jokes are hilarious and the story is also in parts incredibly touching and sweet.  Totally up my street, and by far and away the best Christopher Guest film there is.  Even better than This Is Spinal Tap.  Yes, I know that was a contraversial statement. 

2.) Sister Act

A classic tale of slag becomes nun.  This is one of my very favourite films, and has been since I was a kid.  The songs are brilliant, and the whole concept is very very funy.  I think my favourite part is when Whoopi first arrives at the convent and says grace before her first meal there.  A massively underrated film!

3.) The Jerk

Bloody classic!!!  I love these 1970′s American comedies!  You know a film is going to be great when the white protagoinist assumes he is black simply becuase he’s been living with some black people.  This film is so fabulous that I now find the concept of kitten juggling hilarious, even though I know I shouldn’t.

4.) The Hangover

I can safely say that I haven’t laughed at a film as much as I did when I saw The Hangover.  Everybody should watch it.  It’s fun and fast-paced and silly!  Even my Mum loves it (which might well mean that it’s not funny at all).

5.) Some Like It Hot

I LOVE a good farce.  This film gets funnier every time I see it, and I’ve seen it hundreds of times.  Jack Lemon and Tony Curtis make a great double act, and, let’s face it, who doesn’t enjoy a bit of drag?  If it were up to me all men would wear drag all day long.  It’s just the best.  Any film in which disguises are used is BOUND to be funny.  I even laughed at Mission Imposisble for that very reason.

6.) Mean Girls

Say what you want about drunken disgrace Lindsay Lohan – the girl sure can play a fantastic straight man in what was my favourite funny film when I was a student.  It’s not just another teen flick – it’s actually and genuinely hilarious.  I used to watch it with my incredibly good-looking, manly, sporty friend ‘Fit Joe’.  He found it even funnier than I did.  Which means it has universal appeal.  Yes, it does.

7.) South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

This should actually be nearer the top of my list.  South Park has been my favourite TV show since I was 12 years old.  Theirs were some of the first comedy songs I ever heard, and my love of South Park runs deeper than my love for any man I’ve ever dated, or possibly even my own family.  If you watch this film, you will be seeing directly into my soul.

8.) Trading Places

Another classic!  Such a simple concept, but what makes it are the super-funny performances from Dan Ackroyd and Eddie Murphy, and that old guy from Pretty Woman who wanted to build boats.  My favourite bit by some mile is when dan Ackroyd loses it and eats a fish out of his Santa beard.  Who WOULDN’T want to see that?

9.) The Royal Tennenbaums

This may well be joint number one, come to think of it.  I love films that are as funny as they are sad.  The cast are a comedy dream team, too.  And it has Bill Murray in it.  I love Bill Murray.  In fact, this list could have been filled only with Bill Murray films, and still been a great top ten comedy films list.

10.) Groundhog Day AND Anchorman

I couldn’t decide between these two!  On the one hand ‘Groundhog Day’ has Bill Murray starring, and on the other, ‘Anchorman’ has ‘I love lamp’.  This is too big a decision for a girl like me to make.